I’m writing this in Chicago, after a particularly successful Christmas morning. Santa, you rock. Anyways, I just wanted to wish everyone and anyone who reads this blog a very Merry Christmas…or the equivalent in your particular faith or creed. And if this time of year offers you nothing holiday-wise, then I hope you just have a nice day.

Thanks for reading!

Entry the third: Christmas in Hollis

As I write this, the third installment Nunc Scio’s exploration of weird holiday songs, I’m sitting in a hotel room in the fine city of Lansing. As well as being the state capital of Michigan and the home of the fantastic Lansing Lugnuts (most popular team in the minors, fools!), the city is also the birthplace of Malcolm X. Whatever you think of his legacy, the man was a watershed in African American politics. So, for the third installment of WHS, I thought I’d take a look at the Christmas contribution of another cultural touchstone of the black community.

I am speaking, of course, of Run DMC’s yuletide classic, Christmas in Hollis:

This is undeniably a weird holiday song. But it also has the distinction of being the only weird holdiay song that I actually like. Sure, it’s a bit different. But it’s so darn cool. Check out these lyrics:

It was December 24th on Hollis Ave in the dark
When I seen a man chilling with his dog in the park
I approached very slowly with my heart full of fear
Looked at his dog, oh my God, an ill reindeer
But then I was illin’ because the man had a beard
And a bag full of goodies, 12 o’clock had neared
So I turned my head a second and the man had gone
But he left his driver’s wallet smack dead on the lawn
I picket the wallet up then I took a pause
Took out the license and it cold said “Santa Claus”
A million dollars in it, cold hundreds of G’s
Enough to buy a boat and matching car with ease
But I’d never steal from Santa, cause that ain’t right
So I’m going home to mail it back to him that night
But when I got home I bugged, cause under the tree
Was a letter from Santa and all the dough was for me

It’s Christmas time in Hollis Queens
Mom’s cooking chicken and collard greens
Rice and stuffing, macaroni and cheese
And Santa put gifts under Christmas trees
Decorate the house with lights at night
Snow’s on the ground, snow white so bright
In the fireplace is the yule log
Beneath the mistletoe as we drink egg nog
The rhymes you hear are the rhymes of Darryl’s
But each and every year we bust Chrsitmas carols
(Christmas melodies)

Rhymes so loud and prod you hear it
It’s Christmas time and we got the spirit
Jack Frost chillin’, the orchids out?
And that’s what Christmas is all about
The time is now, the place is here
And the whole wide world is filled with cheer

My name’s D.M.C. with the mic in my hand
And I’m chillin’ and coolin’ just like a snowman
So open your eyes, lend us an ear
We want to say:

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Now here is a weird song you can get behind. First of all, it harkens back to a time when people could use the words ‘illin” and ‘bugged’ without irony. Simpler times, when hip hop still had heart. But you’ve also got to dig the scene Run DMC is laying out before your startled imagination. Santa is kicking it in the park, inadvertently frightening young black men. But then, without warning, he takes off, leaving his wallet behind. And Santa is pimp. Or has a ginormous wallet anyway, apparently large enough to hold a million dollars in cash. But here lies the subtle morality play at the heart of the tune. Run could keep the money for himself, but hell, it ain’t right to steal from Santa. As with all good Christmas stories, virtue never goes unrewarded. When Run gets home, he discovers a letter informing him that he gets to keep all the cash. Straight up, no trippin’. A merry Christmas in Hollis, indeed. Although I should point out that I have never, ever received any cash from Santa greater than $50. Then again, I haven’t recorded any multi-platinum albums either.

The song is heartwarming, to be sure. Especially for all those folks out there dreaming of a matching car/boat set on Christmas morning- you too may find a wallet stuffed with Santa cash. If I had one complaint, it would be that the “Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year” at the end seems a little smug. Run DMC will be out racing their matching cars and boats, so of course they’ll have a great time. The rest of us, forced to muddle along with unmatched and possible clashing cars and boats will be silently cursing the cruel vagaries of the holiday season.

So, Christmas in Hollis makes Nunc Scio’s list because of it’s astonishing originality. It’s like no holiday you’ve ever had, and for that, it is a weird (if wonderful) holiday song.

Through some strange machinations of fate and circumstance, I will be appearing on CBC TV’s Test The Nation as part of the Blogger team. Yes, that’s me on the right. I got to go in and do a proper photoshoot, which was pretty exciting. I was less excited when they told me I had to go through makeup early because of shiny-head issues. Ah well. You have to take the crunchy with the smooth.

In any event, the show goes up on January 20, 2008. The topic is 21st Century Trivia, so I have to think the bloggers have a leg up. After all, we spend all day on the webernet. Be sure to tune in!

Entry the second: A Spaceman Came Travelling

Most Christmas tunes tend to fall into one of two categories: solemn religious music written by dour men 150 years ago designed to remind us of how very serious Christianity really is, or fun-loving romps about bioluminiscent reindeer or Christmas trees that, for one reason or another, deserve to be rocked around. And then there are songs that fit into neither of these groups. They aren’t fun-loving, but they lack the gravitas of a proper yuletide hymn. Some of them are just downright strange.

Such is the second selection in Nunc Scio’s weird holiday songs list, Chris de Burgh’s A Spaceman Came Travelling:

At first blush, A Spaceman Came Travelling doesn’t seem like much of a holiday song at all. It’s not about caroling, Santa, Christmas trees, winter wonderlands, figgy pudding or any of the usual festive fare. In fact, it doesn’t even use the word ‘Christmas’. Nevertheless, the song has insinuated itself into the holiday canon, largely because it tells the story of the Nativity. But it does so in a totally bizarre way:

A spaceman came traveling on his ship from afar
‘Twas light years of time since his mission did start
And over a village he halted his craft
And it hung in the sky like a star
Just like a star

He followed a light and came down to a shed
Where a mother and child were lying there on a bed
A bright light of silver shone round his head
And he had the face of an angel
And they were afraid
Then the stranger spoke
He said “Do not fear
I come from a planet a long way from here
And I bring a message for mankind to hear”
And suddenly the sweetest music filled the air
And it went la la la la la (etc.)
Peace and goodwill to all men
And love for the child

This lovely music went trembling through the ground
And many were wakened on hearing that sound
And travelers on the road
The village they found by the light of that ship in the sky
Which shone all around

And just before dawn
At the paling of the sky
The stranger returned and said “Now I must fly
When two thousand years of your time has gone by
This song will begin once again, to a baby’s cry”
And it went la la (etc.)
This song will begin once again
To a baby’s cry
And it goes la la (etc.)
Peace and goodwill to all men
And love for the child

Oh the whole world is waiting
Waiting to hear the song again
There are thousands standing on the edge of the world
And a star is moving somewhere
The time is nearly here
This song will begin once again
To a baby’s cry

The upshot: ‘Jesus’ was actually a musical composition brought to us by an alien. And soon, we get to hear this kickass song again! Hallelujah!

Wait. What?

Leaving aside the extremely suspect interpretation of the New Testament for one moment, this song has two huge strikes against it. First, the line “‘Twas light years of time since his mission did start”. That’s just a rookie mistake. As we all know, light years are a measure of distance, not time. Second, the song is sung by Chris de Burgh, which is the musical equivalent of being stabbed repeatedly in the ear by masked assailants, several of whom appear to be playing the alto saxophone. Not a good start.

And then there’s the whole ‘Jesus-as-alien-music’ thing. Strange as it is, this is not necessarily an original idea. Fans of the band Styx (and there must be a few out there) will see an obvious parallel between A Spaceman Came Travelling and the “Holy Cow! The angels are really aliens!” insanity of their 1977 ‘hit’, Come Sail Away. Still, you have to admire de Burgh’s pure leaps of imagination. It’s a nice idea: music so beautiful it makes everyone love each other. No doubt this a particularly attractive concept for de Burgh, whose recorded output has been known to cause grown men to pull their own heads off.

There are unfortunately several problems de Burgh’s ‘music as savior’ formulation. For starters, say you’re the woman and child the spaceman decides to visit. You live in a small village in the Middle East, 0AD. You’re poor. You’re hungry. There doesn’t appear to be a man in the picture, so you’re probably also a social outcast. All you want is a good night sleep. Suddenly, a spaceship appears out of nowhere, and some unearthly SOB inside wants to play you a song. I’m guessing the first, and completely understandable, reaction is to go out of your mind in terror. That’s like the scariest thing I can imagine. Say nothing of the fact that the woman and child would have zero comprehension of space travel, a heliocentric solar system, or 20th century easy-listening adult contemporary music, thus lacking any mechanism to put their unearthly visitor in any kind of context.

Even if the woman and child can get past the face-melting terror of alien visitation, they’re bound to be underwhelmed by the Spaceman’s song. They can’t eat it. They can’t sell it. They can’t use it to end the oppressive rule of foreign dictators. And perhaps more importantly, the song totally sucks. It consists entirely of an overdubbed de Burgh singing ‘La la la la la…’ over and over again, backed by swirling synths. It sounds like something the titular Spaceman made in his basement with a casiotone and a 4 track. The song is so laughably bad that de Burgh’s insistence that people from miles around were drawn by the sound appears less like a religious metaphor and more like a case of tragic self-delusion.

The song also dates itself pretty severely. Apparently, the alien/Jesus song is supposed to begin again in 2000 years ‘with a baby’s cry’. In 2000, the top Billboard single was ‘Breathe’ by Faith Hill. That’s a long time to wait for a crappy Faith Hill song. More to the point, if that’s the song that’s supposed to save the world, I’ll take the doom. Sometimes death is the preferably option, especially when ‘New Country’ is involved.

All things considered, it’s astounding that A Spaceman Came Travelling is still being played on the radio at all, let alone as a Christmas song. From its extraterrestrial interpretation of Christianity to its sheer stupidity, this is a song better left to the aliens. And yet there it is, every year, playing on ‘lite’ music stations around the world. By virtue of its incredible and baffling resilience, Chris de Burgh’s new age Nativity story has earned its place in the gallery of weird holiday songs.

Japan’s Defence Minister, Shigeru Ishiba, is darn worried about UFO’s. Specifically, how his nation could mount an effective defence against alien invaders despite being prohibited from aggressive miliary action by its constitution. Said Ishiba:

“There are no grounds for us to deny that there are unidentified flying objects (UFOs) and some life-form that controls them. If they descended, saying ‘People of the Earth, let’s make friends,’ it would not be considered an urgent, unjust attack on our country,” Ishiba said. And there is another issue of how can we convey our intentions if we don’t understand what they are saying. We should consider various possibilities.”

Under the US-imposed 1947 constitution, Japan is officially a ‘pacifist’ nation. Great for 20th century geo-politics, but it makes the Japanese easy pickings for an alien attack.

Ishiba is the second senior government official to speculate on the alien threat. On Tuesday, Chief Cabinet Secretary Nobutaka Machimura stated “Personally, I believe that (UFOs) definitely exist.”

I for one am glad to see a national government take the impending UFO threat seriously. I’ve been quietly preparing for months, but without a substantial tax base or any kind of GNP to speak of, it has been slow going. Having an entire country on board should really get things moving. And Japan has all those cool swords.

H/T to MN for this fine link.

Shigeru Ishiba speaks to reporters. He’s like the Winston Churchill of the UFO era.

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The webernet is all abuzz (relatively, of course) about the decision of Halton District Catholic School Board to permanently ban Philip Pullman’s The Golden Compass. The decision follows the Vatican’s official denunciation of the book yesterday. Brilliant. I’m so glad my tax dollars go to support these kinds of things (HDCSB only. So far as I know, none of my money goes to the Pope.)

But let’s consider the record of things the Catholic Church has not approved of:

1. Protestantism: although not without its problems, Protestants more or less invented industry, science and capitalism. And hell, 590 million people can’t be wrong!
2. Galileo: they called him a heretic, but who’s laughing now? Well, not Galileo, because he’s dead. But still, heliocentrism=awesome. Not only awesome, but also correct.
3. Evolution: The Pope don’t like it, but reason, evidence and reality all say ‘yes’.
4. Birth Control: hated by the Church, loved by everyone else. Sex is also awesome, perhaps even rivalling heliocentrism in this regard.
5. Condoms: a good idea, particularlty since they could save millions of people the agony of dying from HIV in developing nations.

Now let’s look at some of things the CC got behind in a big way:

1. Tithing: pay for salvation! Deal of the century! Just don’t think about the implied moral hypocrisy.
2. The Crusades: incredibly violent, ultimately pointless. A big reason why Muslims and Christians get along so swimmingly today.
3. Witch trials: a contender for the most creative way to oppress women ever devised. Admittedly, also applies to protestants.
4. The Spanish Inquisition: If you don’t agree with the Chruch, they’ll pull off your arms. And then burn you.
5. Mel Gibson: ’nuff said.

So fear not, Philip Pullman. A codemnation by the Catholic Church means there’s an excellent chance you’re on to something good.

The Pope: backing the wrong horse since 0 AD(ish).