Just because I can, here’s a video of Chuck Aaron, the only FAA-certified helicopter stuntpilot on earth, doing unnatural and frightening things with a helicopter.

That made my afternoon marginally less boring. Hope it did the same for you.

Look at those beaches!

Saturn’s plucky little moon, Titan, is full of- and covered in- surprises. Yesterday, the Cassini-Huygens Probe discovered a giant lake on Titan’s surface, the only other known example of standing liquid in the solar system.

With this discovery, inter-planetary entrepreneurs are no doubt rushing to build Titan’s first all-inclusive resort. And why not? Think of the awesomeness:

• Titan sports a balmy average temperature of -139 degrees celsius.
• It rains liquid methane. That’s like sticking your head up the back side of a cow, only way colder and outside.
• The lake itself is made out of liquid hyrdocarbons. Think of the skin benefits…it’s like swimming in a vat of vaseline!

So this year, let’s all go to Titan. It’s a bit pricey (the cost of the Cassini-Huygens probe is estimated at $3.26 billion) but think of all the fun we’ll have when we get their. Oily, freezing and oxygenless fun.

The strange saga of the Montauk Monster continues.

The Venom Energy Drink company (I know, I haven’t heard of it either) has offered a lifetime supply of its product for the person(s) who capture a live Montauk Monster.

The upshot: anyone with the time and opportunity to shave a dog can have unlimited access to a crappy energy drink made by Snapple. The system works!

UPDATE: 1 out of 1 experts on Fox News agree: the MM is a raccoon. This makes it only slightly less easy to claim the bounty,

The University of Wolverhampton has published a list of the world’s oldest jokes, and they do not disappoint.

Number three comes from ancient Britain:

“What hangs at a man’s thigh and wants to poke the hole that it’s often poked before? A key.”

Hilarious! It’s funny because it’s true.

Number three is an Egyptian corker:

“How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish.”

Outrageous! Oh, those silly pharohs. They love the ladies.

But the oldest recorded joke is head and shoulders above the rest. From ancient Sumeria:

“Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.”

Oh, MAN. That slays me. It works on so many levels- women, laps, matrimony, flatulence…it’s like they read my mind and new everything I wanted. Thank you, ancient Sumeria, for teaching us to life again. Particularly since modern-day Sumeria - aka Iraq-has a terrible sense of humor.

The interwebs have been having a field day with this unfortunate example of the effects of water on dead tissue:

This creature washed up on the shores of Montauk, Long Island, sometime over the last few days. Gawker has been providing hourly updates. And for some reason, the Montauk Monster now has its own column on the HuffPo. The creature has been called a beaked rodent, a government experiment, and a viral marketing campaign for a Cartoon Network show.

*Sigh*

This is clearly some poor dog or racoon that died, ended up in the water, and then washed up on a beach. The hairlessness is a simple result of submersion and decomposition. The apparent beak is a small portion of the skull that has poked through the rotting skin. I feel fairly confident in saying all this, because I witnessed something very similar looking pulled out of Lake Ontario. Water does weird things to dead stuff.

That’s my call. I’ll continue monitoring, in case it does turn out to be an actual monster. And as always, look to Cryptomundo for some quality analysis.

UPDATE: If you’re lucky enough to find a live Montauk Monster, you can win a boatload of nutritionally-dubious energy drink!

It’s bad enough that China restricts its citizens’ access to news and information. But now they’re doing it to the rest of us, too.

International journalists covering the XXIX Olympiad will not be able to access certain websites while inside China. Sites covering topics like Tibet and Falun Gong, aka all the morally dubious things the Chinese government doesn’t want you to know about. And, reporters have been advised to write their emails and make phone calls with the knowledge that it will all be monitored. Weak.

Worse, the International Olympic Committee is helping them do it. Despite assurances during the bidding process that journalists would be given unrestricted freedom to report, details are emerging that senior IOC officials cut a deal with the Chinese government to allow certain websites to be blocked. Just to amp up the irony, the IOC is charged with perserving and promoting ‘olympism’, defined as:

“Olympism is a philosophy of life, exalting and combining in a balanced whole the qualities of body, will and mind. Blending sport with culture and education, Olympism seeks to create a way of life based on the joy found in effort, the educational value of good example and respect for universal fundamental ethical principles.”

Funny. Not a lot in there about “helping autocratic regimes oppress and mire their citizens in ignorance”.  But maybe I’m misinterpreting it.

Nunc’s prediction: Worst. Olympics. Ever. Toxic smog and huge algae blooms in a country were civil and human rights are a bad joke. I bet Toronto’s starting to look pretty good now, huh? We may not have enough four-star hotels, but at least we’re not totalitarian jerks.

Despite its vast swathes of desolate and black-fly infested wilderness, Ontario always seems to be the poor cousin of Sasquatch hotspots like BC and the American Rockies. But at last, perhaps are hairy, bipedal prince has come.

Two woman in Northern Ontario spotted a large, mysterious creature while berry-picking near Grassy Narrows. Said one of the women:

“It was black, about eight feet long and all black, and the way it walked was upright, human-like, but more — I don’t know how to describe it — more of a husky walk, I guess.”

The creature, like any self-respecting cryptid, bolted when it spotted the women. Further investigation revealed a large, six-toed footprint in the area.

About eight feet tall, all black, and a “husky walk”? Skeptics, or indeed anyone with access to wikipedia, will claim this sounds exactly like a black bear standing on its hind legs. But I know better. The creature in question is actually this:

To the untrained eye, this looks like just another black bear. But in fact, if you look closely, it is actually a Sasquatch wearing a black bear suit. Diabolical!

I’m putting you on notice, sneaky Bigfeet of Ontario: your cheap parlour tricks don’t fool me. I know you’re out there, brazenly impersonating other animals and frightening berry-pickers. And I will put a stop to it. Just you wait.